Too many of us put others on a pedestal and care more about their opinions about us than our opinions of ourselves. We care so much about what they think about us that we let them have power over us emotionally and we subconsciously believe that the answer is to try to conform to their ideals and beliefs.
When we know that somebody doesn’t approve of us, we become insecure about ourselves and develop needy attitudes. The image of them criticizing us stays in our minds night and day, their words repeat themselves endlessly in our subconscious and we let their opinions become the basis of how we ultimately view ourselves. As a result, we exhibit signs of anxiety when we are around new groups of people.
This tendency to care disproportionately what others think tends to originate in our childhoods. Perhaps we could never quite fit in at school or our parents criticized us so much that we began to doubt ourselves in everyday life. Maybe we had brothers and sisters who seemed to do everything right while we consistently made mistakes that made us feel inferior. Or we never quite knew what to say around people who seemed to have a luckier break in life and look as if they are more important than us.
Either way, this anxiety—this fear of criticism—can be reduced with the 7 following steps:
- Realize that the people who criticize you probably have bad judgment — The people who demean you probably don’t think about the things that they say. In many cases, people reach snap judgments about others because of prior biases or because of the pain they feel from a struggle they’re going through in their personal lives. Regardless, all you have to do is break down what they say into logical components and you will see clearly that they are undoubtedly wrong about you.
- Focus on your unique strengths and talents — You have strengths and talents within you that the people who criticize you don’t have. If you develop those strengths and talents, your self-confidence will increase and you’ll have a more positive perception of yourself and what you can accomplish in the future.
- Constantly move closer to your goals — It’s hard for someone to care what others think when they are constantly moving closer to their goals. When you feel like you’re on your way to becoming successful in way you’re comfortable with, you’re not likely give any time of day to the harsh words of others.
- Read books on Personal Development and Social Strategies — Having knowledge about how to go farther in life and how to interact with people will enhance your self-confidence greatly. Here are some great books to consider if you want to increase your social awareness and self-reliance. I assure you the content is of much higher quality than anything you’ll likely find anywhere else:
- Think and Grow Rich – Napoleon Hill
- The Answer – John Assaraf and Murray Smith
- The 48 Laws of Power – Robert Greene
- Thinkertoys – Michael Michalko
- Sharpen your mind with Lumosity.com — Lumosity.com offers better games for improving your memory, attention span, problem solving skills, and mental speed than any other resource offered to the general public. This website will help you remember the names of everyone you meet, handle social situations, and resolve unexpected challenges with greater ease and fluidity. I highly recommend you give this website a try.
- Improve your physique with healthy food and regular exercise — You will feel more confident about yourself if your body is strong, vital and attractive. If you’re overweight, consume less calories and exercise more often to shed those unwanted pounds. If you are too skinny, consider starting a bodybuilding regiment and drinking protein powder on a daily basis. If your overall complexion is bad, try eating healthier, drinking more water, and consuming the right amount of multivitamins.
- Develop a positive outlook on life — Are your thoughts predominantly positive or negative? If they are mostly negative, focus more on what you have to be thankful for in life than on what’s bringing you grievance. Do what makes you happy, compliment people on their virtues sometimes, and give the world around you the best that you have to offer. Remember that positivity repels negativity and vice versa. When you keep your mind in a positive and optimistic state, negative opinions will have less of an effect on you.
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In what ways have you overcome your fear of criticism? Has applying any of the advice above changed your life for the better? You’re more than welcome to share your thoughts in the comments.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey Tim,
I think these are useful tips. Especially the one about focusing on your strengths. A lot of people react negatively to criticism because it makes them forget about the qualities they have. Saaad.
Exactly, Eduard. Even the people who look the toughest get hurt when people criticize them. They simply conceal how much they hurt inside by lashing out in anger. However, anger is merely a demonstration of helplessness and lack of control.
Criticism is just words and nothing more. And the people who criticize others the most don’t seem to know what they’re talking about anyway. They just want a reaction. We might as well bring ourselves to the point where their words don’t affect us at all emotionally.
I find it interesting how if you criticize the criticizer, they have a hard time taking it. However, sometimes the critique is correct in its thinking and you need to just swallow your pride and learn from it. Nobody is right 100% of the time.
You’re right, Travis. If we can do something about what people criticize us for, we should—they’re speaking the truth and we can benefit from it. If we can’t because of physical limitations or what not, we might as well not worry about it.
Yes, i completely agree. Don’t ever let others bring you down! I really like your blog btw.
Travis Alexander´s last blog ..5 Practical Ways To Overcome Self Doubt
Hi Tim – thanks for the great post! I just wanted to add to your list of recommended books- ‘Wake Up! You’re Life is Calling’ by Andy Feld
I also came across a press release that he has a movie in the works… sounds like something to look for. Much of Andy’s message is about self-responsibility. I agree with him 100% because when we own our situation that gives us the power to create the kind of life we live.
Thanks for listening,
Kim
I appreciate the book recommendation, Kim. It is helpful to take responsibility over our situations no matter how bleak those situations are and how small we have to start.
Thanks for the reply and I wish you the very best in your future endeavors.
Phenomenal tips Tim. I’ve never heard of lumosity before but I’m off there now to try it out!
In addition to the above I’d like to add one important thing. That is that anyone who does something worth doing gets criticised at one point or another.
In the beginning I heard nothing but good things about ‘The Secret’ nowadays, I hear nothing but criticism. Your critics are you friends because when you realise that they serve a purpose in making you stronger you can’t help but like them!
One of my very close friends is a very serious political blogger and journalist, he was telling me at poker last week how he was criticised in two of the national newspapers by other journalists about one of his articles. He thrived off the criticism and it only made him stronger and more determined. (and fed his ego too!)
The way I like to think of it is, that my critics are my best friends!
Amit Sodha – The Power Of Choice´s last blog ..Honouring People And Cultures With Language Skills
That’s an excellent way to put it, Amit. If numerous types of people are criticizing us for the same thing, obviously their points have some merit. Often what sounds like criticism is really just the truth knocking on our front door. The question is, will we consider accepting that truth objectively and making the decision to do something about it or will we let our pride convince us to try to hide from it?
I appreciate your reply, Amit. I wish you well.
Hey Tim!
Really enjoyed this one. As a parent, I worry sometimes about whether my kids are going to be too sensitized to their peers’ opinions of them.
You know, kids can be very cruel. And the kids that get hurt carry that stuff around with them. This gets into the whole self esteem discussion.
I am trying to condition my kids to know themselves better, and to know that they are loved, so that these comments seem incongruous to them, and therefore likely wrong from the beginning.
But some people seem born to be sensitive to the opinions of others. It’s a hard thing for them to overcome. It’s like they have to step outside of themselves and objectively consider what’s being said or implied about them, while ignoring their initial emotional reaction.
That kind of mental/emotional dance requires a distancing of yourself from your reactions, and that’s a pretty mature skill.
Anyway, VERY important topic. Thank you for writing it!
All the best,
Hugh
Hugh DeBurgh´s last blog ..A Better Mousetrap?
That’s a very intelligent point to bring up. Sometimes it seems like most people aren’t capable of perceiving things outside of their emotional reactions. It’s as if they are completely blind to any perception outside of how they feel.
They can look back on situations later and analyze them from more angles but they don’t do it in real time. Not only is it difficult for them but they aren’t aware that this is occurring in the first place.
Anyway, thanks for replying. That is definitely something worth thinking about.
Good post it made me realize that I am carrying some issues with this from childhood.