When someone in your life is going in the wrong direction, you probably want to let them know about it but you don’t want to hurt their feelings or make the situation worse than it already is. You want to be honest with them but you don’t want to be so honest that you say something inappropriate that is better left unsaid.
People admire honesty but they don’t want to lose their dignity to get it. You have to keep in mind that when you give someone constructive criticism, that person is put into a vulnerable position. You have to choose your words carefully because you could easily hit them where it hurts and end up losing a good friend in the process.
But how do you talk to them in a way that will encourage them to better themselves without causing them pain? There are a number of ways to make constructive criticism more tolerable for people. They include the following:
- View life from their perspective – People will listen to you more if they feel like you understand their feelings and what they have to struggle with on a daily basis. What might work for you won’t always work for other people. View life from their viewpoint and then offer advice that fits well with their style of thinking.
- Observe and adapt to their body language – Body language is a good indication of how a person feels at the moment. If they appear noticeably uncomfortable as you give them constructive criticism, start talking about their strengths so that they’ll walk away with a more optimistic attitude after the conversation.
- Show them that their success is in your best interest – Give them reasons why you want them to succeed and they’ll feel confident that you’re on their side. They’ll trust you more because they’ll see that your motives align with theirs and they won’t have to bother questioning your sincerity.
- Focus on their short-term and long-term goals – Nobody’s going to take your advice unless they feel like they have something to gain. Give them logical reasons why listening to you will help them reach their goals faster and they’ll be sure to give you their undivided attention.
- Talk about their strengths at the beginning and end of the conversation – Try the “criticism sandwich” approach and talk about their strengths first. After that, touch on the areas where they need improvement. Then, finish off with another short talk about their strengths to soften the blow. This is perhaps the most fundamental advice for giving constructive criticism there is.
- Don’t resort to fear tactics – Sometimes telling people what might go wrong is a good thing but too many people go too far with this approach. If you put too much fear into people, their minds will be bombarded with so much negativity that they’ll start to act irrational. Instead, lead them in a positive direction so that they can approach their problems with a clear and rational head.
- Offer solutions to their problems – Don’t just tell them what’s wrong with them without giving them some kind of solution that would help them overcome it. They need some kind of starting point that will set them on the right path. Offering them solutions will make the process of counteracting their issues much easier.
The point is, you should do everything possible to make the conversation as comfortable and pain-free as you can for the other person. Not only will you maintain a positive relationship with that person, but their life will go in a better direction as a result.
—
If you found this article constructive, please share it on StumbleUpon, Twitter, or Delicious. Don’t forget to subscribe to Inspiration Central for free updates.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Effective Communication truly lets you speak your mind without of offending the other persons beliefs. It allows you to see the world thought there eyes. Everyone is different and the inability to criticize positively can destroy a friendship or partnership. Here are some tips
1. Tell them this is just how your feeling, not to get offended
2. Tell them that you love them and your just worried about the path they are currently on
3. Speak from the heart, but don’t hurt their feelings
4. Be a friend and try to see tings from their perspective.
jonathanfigaro´s last blog ..How to use Auto-What??????
Terrific insights, Jonathan. I get something out of your replies every single time.
I also think emotional intelligence plays a key role in all communication. The ability to make someone feel better just through the use of words is an irreplaceable skill.
this is great advice… a great way to communicate. u should always be upfront and honest but be smooth in how u present it to the person u r talking to.. feelings are always a part of any discussion or conversation. just be thoughtful.
That’s true, Darcy. Anyone who doesn’t consider other people’s feelings when communicating is actually “talking at” people instead of talking with them. There’s a huge difference between the two.
Anyone who’s ever experienced someone “talking at” them for a long period of time definitely knows what I’m talking about.
Tim,
Great points, every one of them. I especially try to be cognizant of your first point, and really try to see things through their eyes. Does that always work, or do I always remember? No. And the thing is, we will mess it up sometimes. The more we really think about how we would feel were that us, and have that really be a deep and meaningful feeling – that’s when we can has the most success at being constructive without hurting someone else….
Lance´s last blog ..The Jungle of Food Choices
Thanks, Lance.
Actually, I used to perceive people who were richer than me or were blessed with more material things than me as always being happy. But as it turns out, some of those people who seem to have it all have deep, negative emotions inside of them and they just want to meet somebody who likes them for who they really are.
They have tons of friends and they are popular on all counts, but they still hurt just as much as someone without all of that. I think it’s important to recognize that everyone has their individual struggles in life. To really understanding what it’s like to be another person, instead of viewing them through rose-colored lens, is an eye-opening experience.
I totally agree that solution based criticism is so much more valuable than simply telling someone what’s wrong. Anyone can point out a flaw. It’s so much better to give someone an idea of how to improve.
By the way, I think it’s actually a “criticism sandwich”, since the criticism is sandwiched between 2 compliments! (you wouldn’t call a piece of ham between two pieces of bread a “bread sandwich”)
Kaizan´s last blog ..Never Regret Anything
#1 is so true. I used to assume other people’s viewpoint to be similar to my own. Well it doesn’t work that way, even though you mean good. Great work Tim
Karlil´s last blog ..Procrastination Hacks Ultimatum Part III: The 45 Sure Fire Techniques
@Kaizan – Thanks for the advice. I’ve heard it called both things but “criticism sandwich” does make more sense. I just edited the post since so many people are going to read that.
@Karlil – Thanks, Karlil. I used to have a hard time accepting some people’s viewpoints too. I wish you the best with your website.
Great job with this, dude. This is something I’ve struggled with. How do I let people know what they need to improve on without letting them down has always been tough.
What inspired you to write this?
Nazim Khimani´s last blog ..How to enjoy school
I was inspired to write this because I’ve seen people (including parents) criticize others so harshly, that they almost always make things worse. They harp on the other person’s weaknesses and they go into great detail about all the terrible things that are going to happen to them if they keep doing what they’re doing.
I think that’s unnecessary and it just seems senseless and cruel. There are more positive and sane ways to help people. I think this post offers more practical methods to persuade people to change their direction.
Truth really hurts but there are ways that you avoid hurting their feelings. Learned her weaknesses and strength. Think twice before you talk. Nice article. Thanks for sharing this.
Thanks, Paige. It is important for people to think before they talk. There’s no telling how how peaceful the world would be if more people engaged in it.